but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
BRING THE BAGELS
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
