OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
how do you play pong handcuffed?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
