Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
