Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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