I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We smell like vodka and hangover
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