Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
