Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
