when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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