I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage