i just had sex bonerless
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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