Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
