eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
