Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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