If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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