I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
