He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
