I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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