I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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