this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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