you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
