he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
