He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
