can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
