Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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