it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
