shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
