At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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