Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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