She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
