I think im going to throw up on grandma
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
