if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
