I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
