I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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