tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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