i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
