i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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