i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
