He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
