youre lurking in front of me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
