Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
