I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
just found out that she named her cat after me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
