Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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