I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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