he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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