just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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