I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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