he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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