I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
