Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you win again, gameday.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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