There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
