I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
