i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
