The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
