Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
