Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize