I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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