Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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